Monday, August 2, 2010

The Answer to Life

(anyone remember whose car that was?!)

Yes, believe it or not, I know the answer to all life's problems: get rid of automobiles. Think about it...whenever you're angry or upset or irritated, it usually goes back to the car. Or at least, your day would be 9000% better, regardless of what else was happening, if your automobile wasn't around. I mean, everyone got along just fine when all we had to use were horses and carriages and boats to get places. Who said we had to improve on the horse? To prove my point that the world would be a much nicer, saner place without vehicles, let me give you my Top 10 things that annoy most everyone in the world about cars and/or driving. Warning: this may turn into a Top More-than-10, depending on how heated I become while typing.

1. The DMV. Do I need to say more? Long lines, people that look like they may have been inbred, rude DMV workers that don't care that you just waited 4 and a half hours just to get a bad picture taken, etc. NOBODY likes going to the DMV. NO ONE.

2. Sure, horses had to be fed, but SO DO CARS! How much do you spend on gasoline a year?? I bet you could buy bags of feed and some hay for less. Honestly, you probably spend approximately 87% of your life (on average) complaining about gas prices.

3. All that other junk. Oil changes, valve leaks, air filters, anti-freeze, rims for your tires, tire tread, tire pressure, tire fairies, etc. Who even knows what half of that stuff IS?

4. Cars are impossible to keep clean! Inside and out! You wash your car, it rains. You wash your car, and it doesn't rain, but a bird craps on it. Give a horse a bath once a month. Done.

5. Now let's get to the actual driving part. I begin with Road Rage. We all have it. Don't lie.

6. The Speed Limit. One more law to follow. Were there ever speed limits on buggies?? NO! Buggies had one speed: the speed that the horses could pull it + you, and horses trot or gallop or mosey, or whatever else they do.

7. Getting pulled over because your left lower taillight was only at 89% power. Getting pulled over because you were doing 45.5 mph in a 45 mph zone, etc.

8. Potholes.

9. People who text, put on make-up, eat, write short novellas, bathe, and otherwise do anything that is NOT driving in their car while driving.

10. People who are so in love with their cars that they wildly swerve out of the way if there's even a jelly bean in the road.

11. Stoplights that are on timers. "No one's coming, no one's coming, no one's coming, I'm still at a red light, should I go?, Maybe but there could be a cop around, no one's coming...". Yeah, I would finish that guy's thoughts for you, but he died waiting before that red light changed.

12. People who cut you off, no blinker, not even a WAVE. I mean, at least give me a WAVE.

13. Traffic, "rush hour" etc. I know we're on the same page now, so I know what you're thinking, and YES: a horse COULD weave right through that traffic!

14. People who crawl along at 37 mph BELOW the speed limit and/or stop in the middle of the road to rubberneck, look for a turn, etc. Let me solve this for you: watch the news and get a GPS.

15. There would be no more Grand Theft Auto! OK, so it doesn't happen THAT often, but that's one less crime in the world, right?! If someone steals your horse, you just breed another one! Easy!

Well, now I think you get my drift, so am I right, or am I right? Wait, sorry, I would listen to your answer, but I need to stop typing this so I can stop my car and pick up this jelly bean in the middle of the road; I'm STARVING.

Any other reasons cars should be banned from existence??

Until next time!

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