The 4 ladies...and I use that term loosely...of the retail apocolypse

This will be long. You have been warned. Also, the trusty ol' Cannon had her batteries charging during my momentous meetings and greetings, so I will do my best to entertain you with my at-home recreations of the events...

Today was my first day back at the store after 2 days off. And I got to meet and/or talk to 4 THRILLING, CAPTIVATING ladies...

Number 1: 18 Minute Monologue Lady. I had a conference call this morning, which had already gone about 37 minutes longer than usual, when...*surprise!*...a special guest speaker from our home office logged on and spent 18 minutes (I am NOT exaggerating, I timed it) M-O-N-O-L-O-G-U-I-N-G about direct deposit and pay stubs. I was bored. to. tears. I can barely maintain focus on my DINNER for 18 minutes, much less vocalize an 18 minute, un-memorized, completely improv speech about it. I mean, wow. This woman was passionate.

B: Table Runner Lady. You know how sometimes, when you ask a question, you do it just to be polite and you really don't want to talk? Well, this woman did not know about that. After engaging me in meaningless (and sometimes unintelligble) conversation for 5-FOREVER minutes, she proceeded to ask me if the 15" measurement in the 15"x78" measurement on the table runner she was holding was the length or the width of the table runner. I thought I was being punk'd. First ofall...seriously? Ma'm, do you even know what a table runner is? Secondly, regardless of which two sides are 78" and which two are 15"...it's probably still going to RUN the length of a TABLE. Period.

Numero Tres: Jewelry Lady. Yeah sure, I like jewelry as much as the next girl, and this old woman (90's, maybe??) was as sweet as she could be, but let me just say that I walked around the store with her just so I could count the number of pieces she had on: right arm=7 HEAVY bracelets and 3 rings, left arm=13 braceletes and 8 rings, neck=5 necklaces. And she came in asking where our jewelry was. She actually bought 4 MORE rings. She told me she doesn't take her bracelets off when she goes to sleep. They probably anchor her to the bed. I don't know how she walks around with all that weight.

Last: Sour Candy Lady. This lady wouldn't stop asking questions. Also, she looked like she was sucking on a piece of REALLY sour candy. Also, I think this candy was filled with something that makes your eyes alternately twitch and close for awkwardly long periods of time.

Yes, these are my customers on a daily basis. This is my store. And I will truly miss it all.